Will you blow on my dice?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
