Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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