i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
