Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
