Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
