I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
