Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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