dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
