i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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