i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
