If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
