i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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