Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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