thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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