You're my little dorito
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
