yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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