Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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