The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
