dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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