I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
