I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
