My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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