So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
