sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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