At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
