also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
