I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
