If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
