There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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