does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
party gras won. party gras always wins.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
