i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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