I met the friendliest cop last night
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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