So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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