Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
