You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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