I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
