I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
