It's Friday. Sex?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They took my balls.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
