I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
