I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
