I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
