no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
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Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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