it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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