Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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