i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I supernannyed him into submission
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
