I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
