That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
