Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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