The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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