I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
