When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
