you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
