not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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