The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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