I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
