went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
whose parrot is this?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
