My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize