im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
