So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
